Online Dating: The seemingly good, the inherently bad and everything confusing in between

Game face

Over the last two years I've been a sporadic online dater and by sporadic, I mean I've taken it seriously when it has suited me and by suited me I mean when I've felt lonely.

There are only so many wistful quotations you can reblog on Tumblr before you decide that you're no longer being ironic and take romantic matters into your own fingertips. Loneliness is the key component to every dating site and worldwide there are over 20,000 to choose from - with 15 million of us single narcissists registered in the UK alone!

If social networking is our PR machine, online dating profiles are our company website. Virtual outlets where we eagerly curate wholesome representations of ourselves. Compartmentalising our tastes in art and literature, inserting witty captions to vanity shots and fabricating what we do in our spare time.

For me, free dating sites have become a natural transition from social networking and my experiences have afforded me wisdom and insight which could never be taught through institutionalised schooling. But I'm by no means an expert. I see online dating for what it is: fun and occasionally useful. I don't herald it as the definitive method to achieving a meaningful relationship. It is simply a method.

And through this method I've met and gone on dates with an array of men, some of whom were misogynists while others were quiet psychopaths. I've met men who were cheap, men who dress like my dad, men who dress like hipster 17 year olds, men who have made me listen to Alicia Keys while walking next to them and men with meaningful tattoos which they talked about at length. Yes it was cringe inducing, but I've also met men who are now good friends of mine and have introduced me to many other good friends. So if any of these men are reading (which I suspect that they might be), I'm not going to discuss you on my blog any further.

I am however going to discuss the profiles of incidental men I happen to come across, who are very noteworthy and sadly representational of the bulk of who you encounter. Whether it be because they've sent me a message or simply because of their own misfortune for appearing on my home page. And this isn't a gender thing; I'm quite sure if I was a man browsing women, that I'd have an equivalent story to tell about what happens when mundane meets mental. An understanding of how people choose to represent themselves via online dating profiles is a source of not only a great curiosity but great fulfillment. (Well, to me anyway!)

Village hypocrites 

Sometimes I like to think of my blog as the stocks and right now, it's brown lettuce time.

Everyone can be hypocritical on occasion, but the depths to which people are so incredibly hypocritical that you laugh out loud and actually point is never so glaring than when captured on a dating profile. These men are obviously not reading anything which they've written back to themselves. Proof reading for spelling and grammar errors is just not enough. The most ridiculous level of hypocrisy occurs when they demand a certain criteria from their ideal partner, which they're clearly not emulating themselves. We'll call them the village hypocrites.

He's looking for a lady who is selective, yet the green light stipulates that he replies to messages often. So by his own definition he too is a "village bike", yet he would reject a woman who is as accommodating with her correspondence as he is. He's also looking for a woman who is sane which would make him a fantasist, not to mention the fact that he is very obviously insane himself for not realising the stark hypocrisy of his statements.

The darker side to a man like this is the fact that he considers a woman who has had a lot of online conversations with different men to be tainted and damaged goods so to speak. The quiet psychopaths are always the most ominous and judging by what he considers to be slutty behaviour when it comes to other men, this simple statement has shone a light on what appears to be a sinister jealousy streak.

Women: Don't write this man a message. Even if you do reply selectively and feel smug about it.
Men: Don't copy this tactic because I've just instructed women everywhere to ignore it.

Besides everyone knows if you're looking for the village bicycle you're not likely to be on OkCupid where the village hypocrite resides. No, if you're looking to arrange a date quickly and easily you head over to POF (Plenty of Fish or plenty of people who prompt you to quit dating and resign yourself to actually fishing for the rest of your life). Which is where I encountered this confused man-child:

Apart from the fact that he's made a Star Wars reference to avoid admitting he still lives with his mother, he's also unwittingly incorporated one of his pet hates into his own profile. I wouldn't be so aggrieved that the profession he'd chosen for himself was an evil genius if that level of intellect was present in his ability to write.  Which predictably it isn't. While I can empathise with his first point (I also require someone who is able to write a sentence in its entirety), I'm incredulous as to how he's gone through life this far mistaking commas for full stops when numbering bullet points.

The darker side to a man-child such as this is that he's very clear and detailed about what he doesn't want, but is vague and uninspired about what he enjoys. From his short sentence about himself all I've gathered is that he occasionally leaves his mothers house to get drunk, having spent the day watching slasher films and operates vehicles at random presumably while still drunk. Next.

Women: No instruction needed here, this type of profile is text book avoidance.
Men: List characteristics you find desirable in a potential partner, not the opposite.

Conclusion

The trouble with misanthropy is that while it can be very amusing to read in other areas of literature, it's just not an attractive quality in an online dating profile. Take it from a seasoned misanthropist who rants about her dislike of everything all of the time.  As a result I've been defined by what I don't like as opposed to what I do like. In fact, people who know me are still skeptical as to whether I take pleasure from anything at all.

This is not the first impression you want to make in a dating profile, it's the kind of impression which makes someone roll their eyes and click next. Online dating is kind of like what voting is for everyone else, you just pick the person you dislike the least. So, as with politicians, online daters need to eliminate the obvious traits which pose a threat to the results of their opinion polls. When laying out what you expect from a potential partner, it's one rule for everyone. Not just yourself. 

Singles Warehouse Launch Relationship Forum

I'm not so good with the advice can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

On the Singles Warehouse dating blog we offer constructive advice and insightful opinions about all things dating on and offline. But what happens if our articles don't pinpoint your problem or you require a more detailed analysis of what's going wrong in your romantic endeavours?

Well, we've launched the Singles Warehouse relationship forum where you can now interact with our bloggers and like-minded people in order to address your relationship issues. 

Perhaps you're looking for online dating tips on exactly what to write in that first message? Are you going through a break-up and unsure whether to remove your ex from your social networks? Maybe you specifically need a man's perspective on what to do next when he's not listening to you or a woman's explanation for why she's behaving the way she is. 

Do you have a date disaster you'd like to vent about or an idea for a great date you'd like to share? Are you looking for singles events to attend or want to share your experiences from where you've attended? 

Well we've got all of that. And more notably it also has me. Here's a snippet...

You will always be able to rely on our community of writers to offer their collective objectivity on what works best and how to cope when it doesn't. Sign up and join the discussion today!

Giving it a competitve edge

Nothing conjures up a burning sense of horror and shame quite like when a person in a relationship asks you why it is exactly that you're single. Most people try to shrug if off with an ambiguous comment or a pathetic attempt at self-deprecation. Personally I tend to take the opportunity to cram in a bit of shameless self-promotion and list the reasons why my blog is actually a bit like a boyfriend. (A classic case of deflection, read into it what you will).

However this time your single status is all you're going to need because the lovely people over at Singles Warehouse have decided to give away a month's free membership to three of my lucky blog readers. Maybe you've been toying with the idea of joining a dating site but are unsure of which one to choose or perhaps you're a free dating site user looking to upgrade. Here's your chance to benefit from the facilities a premium service has to offer with absolutely no cost!

I've provided a brief rundown of these features here: Putting Your Best Face Forward

Whether you're newly single or have been gathering dust for a while - what have you got to lose?


All you have to do is follow these two simple steps:

1. Register on the site for free here: Singles Warehouse
   Or here if you're in the US: Singles Warehouse US
   
   
2. Tweet me @DirtyKnickers_ your unique 7 digit Membership Number

I'll choose three of the numbers at random and announce the winner tomorrow night!

Click Here for a few tips from yours truly on what to consider when filling out your profile.

Yes finding love really is that simple. Or at least it is on my blog. Now get registering!

Putting Your Best Face Forward

Throughout the course of an average day I  periodically succumb to my wild imagination and fall victim to prolonged speculative thinking. (Which not only hinders my productivity but also gives the impression to the people around me that I'm slightly unhinged). And naturally I can often be found trying to discern what the fundamental reason is behind my single status. Why do I come home to an empty bed every night? What exactly is that fatally flawed characteristic which prohibits me from becoming one half of a whole?

Last night however I finally discovered what the once tantalizingly indistinguishable reason was which had nagged me for years and have basked in the contentment of realization ever since. Tacos. Or to be more specific: the way in which I ate my tacos. I am actually going to die alone. An omission which is oddly calming. But anyway back to the Mexican horror show: pieces of mince and sauce dropping on to the untouched shells with a sickening thud, sour cream slurping down my chin and into my cleavage, grated cheese escaping into the folds of my pillow case (yes I also eat my meals in bed most of the time). All in all it was horrifically repugnant and shouldn't be viewed by an unassuming pet let alone another human being.

Interestingly, other reasons which have since been suggested to me since regaling people with my breakthrough are: that I snort when I find something especially amusing and apparently snore like a wildebeest. Did I mention that in lieu of having a special man in my life I'm surrounded by compassionate and understanding friends?

In the world of real life dating, such slovenly behaviour in front of your current squeeze just isn't tolerated. However the online world not only indulges it but deems it almost necessary in order to put yourself at ease and interact with your love interest in comfort. Which is exactly what I set about doing: searching for men who had no idea that I was currently totally unrecognizable from my photogenic default photograph (after licking my plate of course). Which is quite possibly one of the ultimate benefits of online dating. Conversing with single and attractive men while in a state of abstract ugliness would never be possible in the offline world.

And since registering with Singles Warehouse I've been putting my best face forward onscreen when in reality I'd have the power to turn someone to stone. (I think that's what they call empowered). 

Singles Warehouse is categorised in the general section of online dating sites. Which is the category I recommend. It's all very well registering yourself on a niche site in pursuit of people who share your specific beliefs, but the obvious drawback is that they're very limiting. And you're just not going to find as many people available as you would on a general site.

The great thing about Singles Warehouse in particular is that it's a perfect transition for avid users of social networking platforms such as Facebook, because it incorporates a lot of the elements that users will find familiar. Such as a timeline of events letting you know what other users are up to. But unlike Facebook it affords you the privilege of finding out which users have taken an interest and viewed your profile - stalkers heaven.

You're able to filter the messages you receive according to age and location, so you're not disappointed when you excitedly open your bursting inbox only to discover it's filled with men in their 50s or people who are very attractive but live on a different continent.

You can also use this tool to send out an icebreaker to men in your area who fit your requirements. And even though I'm not a fan of the 'one size fits all' message approach, it really is handy in getting the ball rolling and is more a tool for women than it is for men. You're guaranteed responses from men, because they're simple to maintain - kind of like plants. Women however need to feel as though they're the only one so appealing to them in this way will not get results. Men can instead use this tool to say something witty and refreshing which isn't aimed at all women but more like a tweet or a Facebook status.

And unlike other dating sites, user communication isn't just limited to inbox messages and instant messaging. It has an active community, allowing members to engage with each other through personal journals - which make for some very interesting reading! It doesn't have to be a literary masterpiece to captivate your attention. It serves as turning a one-dimensional biography into a well-rounded portrayal of a person by subtly revealing the aspects of their personality.

  

It also incorporates a facility which I haven't seen anywhere else and that's a video function. If you struggle to come across well via the written word you should probably avoid online dating as a whole and any activity which doesn't involve coloured pencils. But it certainly enhances a profile and reveals the mystery of imagining what their voice sounds like.

Which can also serve as a deterrent, because if they have a particularly off-putting accent at least you can nip it in the bud early on and be on your way. Personally I'm pretty apathetic towards accents. But a deep masculine voice is essential criteria. Which is one of the reasons David Beckham and I never worked out. 

Modern Romance

Now this is what I enjoy. Being laid siege to. The modern interpretation of courtly romance personified.

However if online dating has taught me anything, quantity is certainly not proportionate to quality. And by no means am I being derogatory towards the person but more how they've chosen to portray themselves.

Here's a quick check list of things I've encountered this morning which you should avoid doing in order to motivate a woman to reply:


Don't have a default photo of you with a drag Queen.

Don't be ambiguous and state that you're looking for 'anything'.

Don't have photos of your children on a dating profile.
(Unless of course they're your hobby).

Don't lie about your age.
(Or if you do make sure the date of birth correlates with the age you've specified in your bio. Though why you'd lie about being 25 when you're only 27 is a mystery).

Don't contact a woman if you rejected her when she was 15 for not having sex with you.
Jerk.

And even if you ignore everything else on this list, please don't write this:

"iam funny, horny and always up for anythin including a laugh .im polite and understanding also."

I haven't got time to go into why because my alarm/pill reminder app is alerting me that I must get ready for work. However I must hasten to add that the lack of grammar was copied word for word. And yes it's painful to even have it on my blog.

Ambivalent in the City

 

On Sunday evening a friend and I were languishing in my living room, discussing our lives and occasionally making scathing comments about the utterly ridiculous American suburban nightmare that is Desperate Housewives which currently adorned my flat screen. When suddenly she ventured the painfully open ended question,"so what's new on the love front?" At that moment I was trying to decide whether I was still hungover from the night before or drunk again after the obligatory hair of the dog that afternoon, so the abrupt reply which tumbled out of my mouth stunned us into mutual silence for a couple of seconds. 

"I don't even think about it. I'm disillusioned with it all."

I have a penchant for the dramatic I will concede, but it usually pertains to the more jovial side of things and there was certainly nothing remotely humourous about my confession. It was unnerving. Even more unnerving, it was actually quite a relief to lose my bawdy dirty knickers persona for that moment and indulge my insecurities for a change. (A rarity indeed, which was only able to come into fruition because my friendship with the aforementioned person is older than some of my teeth). So in order to combat my intense fickleness, I've decided to pursue love clarity.

For a little over a year now I've had a disjointed relationship with the world of online dating. Never able to take it seriously (something I have trouble applying to anything in my life) I detached myself from the notion of meeting someone and instead basked in some mean spirited ribbing. Opting lazily to micro blog the passive aggressive mirth via my Twitter account instead of dedicating my time to worthier musings on here.

The pursuit of clarity will start with offering constructive advice on the art of cultivating an attractive portrayal of yourself on dating sites. Naturally my uncontrollable urge to mock silly people who contact me will continue. It's just that in light of my recent loss of direction I'm aiming for a more balanced view of things. (It's also something people have requested that I do for a while now and my minions followers mean everything to me). I have also decided to finally give in and upgrade to a premium site in order to compare my online endeavours objectively.

And a place where I've been able to incorporate the two is a fairly recent dating site founded in 2010. Which relies more heavily on individual expression than any other dating site I've previously encountered. Singles Warehouse very much has the feel of a social networking site and conveys a well rounded portrayal of its users through facilities such as status updates and diary entries. I'll be giving a more detailed analysis of it in the coming week, once I've had chance to explore like the tentative yet eager premium dating virgin that I am.

For now here's a little teaser...

 

"Weight is definitely one of the more precarious subject area's. I lingered over the 'average/medium' option before briefly considering 'voluptuous' and finally settling on 'a little curvy'. Everyone knows that curvy means fat, which leaves voluptuous around the morbidly obese mark. But 'a little curvy' manages to be both positive and truthful. Which is fundamental when filling out these pesky little details. It admits that you are chubby but you can be thin at a good angle with the right knickers." 

Follow my pursuit of clarity which I'll be contributing to on Warehouse Life here: Dirty Knickers at Singles Warehouse

Snap Happy

There’s an epidemic of irrational and unnecessary photography sweeping the internet since, well forever really and I’m no exception, (in fact I’ve just had the pleasure of being tagged in several photos of myself in various poses with a novelty moustache). So, I just wanted to shine a bit of hypocritical light on the absurd commonalities of online photo sharing.

The Myspace Pose

It’s become as ubiquitous as the site itself. And when the Myspacer’s eventually jumped from the sinking ship, (sorry Tom but it’s true), aboard more attractive social networks, they brought with them an unwelcome stowaway. Pointing a camera directly at a mirror while holding it from various angles can often give the illusion that you’re thinner and more attractive than you are. But that’s all it is: an illusion. You can’t hold a person in quite the same manner and make sure their eye line is viewing you at your best. You just can’t. They’re going to see you and your gut in all its conspicuous glory when they inevitably click on view more pictures. Why does this never occur to people? I personally like to have a mixed bag of good and not so good snap shots of me, so as to ensure if anyone ever met me in the flesh they wouldn’t be too disappointed and even dare I say it, pleasantly surprised.

Scenery

Holiday snaps. They’re very effective at elevating your smug sense of self-worth to the online community. They confirm that you do in fact leave the dreary location of home once in a while and are a very cultured member of society. (Not to mention own goal-ing yourself, by intensifying an already prevalent bout of Seasonal Affective Disorder). And I know being a tourist with a camera is likened to that of a junkie looking for their next fix, but the need to fill a memory card with shot after shot of landscapes, sunsets, animals and the bed in the hotel room remains a mystery to me. The moment can never be captured, because when you get home you’re just going to bypass the photos of the horizon in favour of the ones of you enjoying yourself. Which is why you went on holiday in the first place, right?

Food

When you’re hungry everything looks appetizing. I’m often hungry because I have a secret fat girl inside me. Many a time she’s seen strips of cardboard which resemble a succulent cut of sirloin. She’s mentally ill. The appeal is in her head. So listen carefully, just because it’s a meal that you’ve warmed up yourself, doesn’t mean it’s photo-worthy, in fact it’s mediocre at best and really quite forgettable. Your taste buds have momentarily taken control of your better judgment and convinced you that this dish wouldn’t look out of place in the likes of a pretentious yuppie establishment with a french sounding name. A picture of an “epic sandwich” isn’t timeless, it’s time consuming. Just eat it, experience a sense of self-loathing if you’ve just cheated your diet, be full, forget about it, be content for a few hours, then do it all again. And so the cycle of endless consumption continues.

Your Car

Immerse yourself in this knowledge: NO ONE CARES. That’s all I have to say in this category. No witticisms. No picture. No tolerance.

Kissing

A few months ago I blogged about the online presence of relationships and their public display of awareness. Which you can find here: http://bit.ly/c99299 Newsflash, you’re not on the cover of a gossip rag and neither is your relationship. No one cares that you’ve been photographed kissing, (the fact that our celebrity obsessed culture cares that anyone of fame and wealth is kissing, frankly frightens me, but that’s a separate issue). You’re a couple, it’s what couples do, we know. And believe me, no one is more thrilled than I am that you’ve found a life companion within this hostile world in which to exchange various diseases with, but, as a popular pop punk quintet would say, “save it for the bedroom”. And don’t leak a sex video to be passed among the local Smart phones either, because no one wants to see that. (That’s not a lyric in the song, but it really should be).

Gigs

Watching and enjoying a gig used to be the primary motives as an audience member. But as technology has soldiered on, so has our idea of a good time. I used to have my view obstructed by people’s heads and now, my vision is consistently accosted with rows of camera phones. You think you’re immortalising the moment, but what you’re going to end up with is, well arm ache, primarily. And an image that might have a silhouette of a figure, clutching what looks to be a threatening weapon, that has become an amalgamated part of them. Not to mention a ream of blurred images that resemble a child’s water painted interpretation of a rainbow.

Sabotage

Recognise her? No? Well, I do. It’s me. How refreshingly original. I’ve taken a regular word and manipulated it to fit a different context. A lewd context. I’m living proof that maturity isn’t acquired simply through age. Don’t do this. It will come back to haunt you, I guarantee it. This also goes for moronically grinning and pointing at an advertisement for a company which has the same name as you. Yes, the world exists outside of your own bubble. It’s mind boggling.

Abvs

So, my grammar post had a few minor mistakes of its own, which were lovingly pointed out to me, from which I learned the valuable lesson of proof reading. We’re all human, we make mistakes and we learn from them. Suffice to say I have replaced my delete button with a sharp point.

Anyway, next I wish to address typical online conversation and the abbreviated language it has spawned as a result. While it might be easier for people to type, it certainly isn’t easy to read.


Shortened Words
I think the object of shortened words is to save time when you’re typing them. The words on the list below don’t exceed six letters. Is it really worth it? I don’t think it’s worth it one bit. What are you actually going to do with the point whatever of a second that you’ve saved from missing out crucial vowels? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.


Ne1 - Anyone

Ur - Your

4get - Forget

Cnt - Can’t

Ther - There
Wot - What
Thn - Than
Ppl - People

I attempted to type the word ‘anyone’ as the abbreviated alternate shown above. I failed. I spent too much time saying the word in my head phonetically in order to work out which letter to type as opposed to the letter it actually begins with. And then there was the whole palaver of remembering to access the numerate keys, wrongly holding the shift button down to create an exclamation mark. In short it was a travesty. But I find I can type the correctly spelled ‘anyone’ in no time at all without so much as a hitch. Interesting.


Abbreviated sentences (often conversation killers)
It’s like a form of Newspeak, eradicating letters for convenience. But it’s not convenient, because I often have to ask someone what the abbreviation means and they end up having to type it in order to explain anyway. Which is senseless and time consuming, not convenient in the slightest.



Lol - I find that humourous.
Pmsl/Rofl/Lmao - I find that very humourous.
OMG - I find that shocking.
OBV - I find that glaringly apparent.
Brb - I find that, oh wait hang on.
STFU - (Shut the fuck up). Oddly this is one I get a lot. I’d have more respect for someone simply going offline and crying in a corner in response to whatever I’d insulted them with.

TBH - To be honest.
ATM - At the moment.


HAND - Have a nice day.
I’m undecided which comment bothers me the most. On the one hand, (no pun intended), it’s a random body part being thrown into the conversation for seemingly no reason. And on the other, someone is actually telling me to enjoy my day. Yes, definitely the latter. This must be an American one. We’re British, no one has nice days and we don’t even so much as look at each other on public transport let alone wish each other well.



Hearts
Hearts have a lot to answer for.

Just for reference, that is a human heart. It’s the size of a fist and not particularly attractive either.

I often see people using this online:
“I love you ♥” - I love you heart.

Why is that heart there? I love my heart. It’s done a lot for me. But using it for extra emphasis is annoying. The sentence implies that there is a lot of heart involved in what you’re trying to express. The fact that you also had to copy and paste that heart from somewhere reeks of desperation. I found mine from a particular person’s profile because I knew they were the type to use it, (one of their friends had actually written it), but you can tell a lot about a person by who they’re friends with, so I rest my case.

Also, using the noun, “heart” as a verb. You don’t heart anything, it’s not correct. People profess to heart the City they live in, when actually they simply experience varying degrees of enjoyment from cohabiting there. If I walked around with a t-shirt proclaiming the sentence, “I often enjoy living in Cardiff”, you’d think I was mentally ill, and you’d be right. I will concede that you can love something, of course you can. But the problem is you don’t even feel that way about it. I see things written like, “I heart this sandwich.” You don’t love it, you will marginally like it for a short period of time and then forget its existence entirely.

Like ex-boyfriends. LOLZ.

I Has A Grammar

Every day I use the internet. I open up my laptop and log in to the plethora of social networking sites I’ve lovingly crafted to exhibit my personality to the online community. It has become as imperative to my daily activities as my exhalation of carbon dioxide. If I didn’t do it, I would in effect cease to function.

And naturally the main offenders of are:

• Facebook; A blessing that is often a curse. A constant flurry of insight into people of little or no interest, but you find yourself aimlessly scrolling through their recent activities anyway.
• Twitter; Unstructured, random, seldom answered and mostly sentences spoken at rather than to each other. Conversation at its best.
  
• Blogger; Blogging gives you such a tremendous sense of purpose and self-satisfaction. To me it’s the equivalent to eating olives.

I’m completely unashamed to admit that I log in to each and every one of these websites every single day. I have the applications for my Blackberry also. (Tweeting on the go is like a drug. Spontaneous, totally necessary at the time and an unyielding desire to share the experience with others around you there and then).

But it’s a love-hate relationship, because every day I log in and every day I am accosted by grammatical negligence. Tell me, are you unaware of your latent stupidity or are you simply careless?

Seriously, the question plagues me. And I don’t know which notion bothers me the most. If you’re unaware, then the fact that you have an average degree and/or are earning a modest salary infuriates me. And if you’re careless about how you portray your intellect to the world, then I know exactly what type of person you are. You are a fan of Katie Price and profess to not be able to read in answer to questions about literary interests.
Someone recently informed me that life isn’t an English lesson, via Formspring of course, no one would have the guts to say that to me in person. (Which also goes for the all of the other poisonous jabs on there).

And it got me thinking, how amusing it would be to put together a list of the most irritating grammatical faux pas. So, here they are...




PUNCTUATION

Apostrophes. They’re not that difficult to comprehend.


Your / You’re

Your is a possessive pronoun. As in, your house or your inability to grasp the basics of your native language.
You’re is a contraction of you are.
Example: You’re a moron for not knowing the difference between your and you’re.


Its / It’s

Same principle. It’s is a contraction of it is or it has.
Example: It’s been good to know you but not your illiteracy.


Its is a possessive pronoun, meaning of it or belonging to it.
Example: Your writing is known for its inability to make sense.


And if you’re still unsure just don’t use one. 

CONTEXTUALISATION 

This is the one that infuriates me more than any other. Using words in the wrong context. It’s great that you’re using that ‘Word of the Day’ toilet paper but the object will have been defeated if you use it incorrectly. 

Knowing the meaning is only half the battle when trying to use it in a sentence.


Their is a possessive word that shows ownership of something.
There is a word with many uses, indicating a place or position.
Example: Their braincells are less active than ours, as there was a lack of oxygen present when they were born.


Wary / Weary
These adjectives may sound similar, but their definitions are another story.
If you’re weary of someone, you’re tired or bored of them. If you’re wary, you’re cautious of them.
Example: Sam, I’m weary of this patronising post now, but I’m going to continue reading because I’m wary of you and what you’ll do if I don’t.


A/Effect
Affect is a verb. It acts upon something, someone or an emotion.
Effect is a noun. It is the result or consequence of something.

Example: The poor grammar affected me, the effect was rage.




MISSPELLING 
(Note the double s)

This is unforgivable. Why? I just typed the word unforgivable and mistakenly typed an e between the v and the a. It’s a common error. A red squiggly line appeared underneath it immediately after I hit the space key, alerting me that something was wrong. So I right clicked, (because I’m a Windows user and it’s unnatural not to have a right click button), and perused the suggested alternatives until I found the right one. Rocket science?

You feel wierd do you? Do you really? No, you don’t. You are weird though, for thinking the i comes before the e.

You loose. Excuse me? I loose? Now you’re making a conscious effort to look stupid by adding letters. I think you meant to say I lose. Looser. Oh, you recognised that was wrong did you? Jerk.

I don’t know weather I should be allowed to live because I’m clearly not talking about sunshine, or snow or typhoons or anything else in regards to the state of the atmosphere. Whether. You meant to say WHETHER. Also, it’s Wetherspoon. It is NOT Witherspoons/Weatherspoons/I can’t think of any others. Sometimes it’s ‘Spoons. But only if you’re under 35. Actually 30.


Alot. I’m sorry what’s that now? Why haven’t you used a space to separate those two separate words? A lot. See? Easy. You don’t say abatch/apack/apile do you? I hope not. So don’t say alot. Use a space. Space is good.

POPULAR FOREIGN PHRASES



I.E / E.G These Latin abbreviations come up frequently and are infrequently used correctly.


I.E is an abbreviation of id est. English translation: that is. It is used to make something more clear.
I’m going to do what I do best, i.e be sarcastic. There’s only one that thing that I claim to do best and by using i.e I’m telling you I’m about to specify it.


E.G is an abbreviation of exempli gratia. English translation: for example. This is used when you are not intending to list everything which is being discussed.
I have a lot of negative qualities, e.g sarcasm. Instead of listing them all, I’ve given you an example of the one which gets me into the most trouble.


En Route
This is a French phrase, which translates as, “on the way” or “along the way”.
It is NOT to be written as any of the following: en-route / En route / En-route or any other other spelling variation.

If you’re not sure, don’t write it! Or take the trouble to Google it at least. Honestly, that’s what Google is there for after all.

And that’s all you really need to do if in doubt. Just Google it. Majority influence rules.

Virtual public affection

Couples, and their unnecessarily sickening displays of public affection. These double threats are lurking around every social corner.

Sitting in front of you in cinema auditoriums, successfully blocking Christian Bales intent stare with their endless attempts to fit their heads in to the other one's shoulder 'nook'.

Sitting behind you in coffee shops, even when not in your line of vision they still offend with their revolting lip smacking noises, a result of mixing their saliva together, which only hideous cretins such as them could stomach at 7.30 am.

Sitting adjacent to you in restaurants, holding on to each other for dear life across the table, lest the villainous object should win one over on them and provide a convenient function, (such as letting the waitor/tress place their plates swiftly and efficiently in front of them).

Sitting literally on top of you in cocktail bars, using the busyness of the venue as an excuse to unashamedly act out sexual positions on each other whilst blatantly elbowing you in the ribs/boob/head.

They have successfully accosted every social haunt, even non-coupley places like the library, the supermarket and the dentist haven't managed to escaped unscathed. Paying library fines, purchasing toilet paper/bin bags/washing

powder, having cavities checked

- mundane tasks to you and me, but not to Romeo and Juliet, oh no, these people just have to do everything together. And now the inevitable has happened. Not content with shredding every aspect of their independence in the real world, they've taken on a dual identity in the virtual world.

Behold, Facebook. A popular social networking site, (or so I'm told), where people can reunite with old classmates and work colleagues, share photographs, engage in a bit of flirty poking, occasionally throw sheep at each other and assert their individuality through declaring to the world their interests in cultural pursuits such as films/books/music and general day-to-day activities. Of course there is a section where you can broadcast your relationship status also, with your significant others name available for fellow friends/stalkers to survey/ analyse at their own discretion. But that's not good enough for some of the hardened couples amongst us. Oh no, Robin Hood and Maid Marion don't want to be lumped in with the rest of us, every aspect of their lives must be used as a tool to profess to the world that they are not alone; they share beds, bank accounts, toothbrushes, (they won't admit it but you know its true), and now freedom of expression. I give you: Facebook for couples.

A fan page I stumbled upon when conducting some personal research. (I recently cemented a facebook friendship with a young man who shares a facebook profile with his girlfriend. On closer inspection of the profile I concluded that it was originally his, she had just added her own interests next to his answers and his wall of comments was suddenly filled with messages depicting the sort of girl to girl vernacular which isn't aimed at a male. But what was really spooky was how they chose to infuse their names, I won't use their real ones for legal reasons, however I'll use this example, Hans 'Leia Organa' Solo. Creepy huh?). Having been an avid facebook user for almost four years now, I had seen my fair share of bizarreness, (you never truly know someone's oddities until you've added them on facebook), but I was utterly appalled and equally enthralled by this idea, and immediately turned to my pipeline to logic, (Google), to see if it was just an isolated incident.

To my dismay it seemed not. The fan page, (although not flourishing, it had only a mere 30 members and clearly in the minority), was alarming to say the least, with comments such as, “for the couples who have nothing to hide and everything to share”, and, “it's about sharing how much you love each other with the family and friends that matter most to you”. I think someone has taken the 'no man is an island' concept just a little too far. I mean, does being part of a committed relationship not grant you any privacy? Do you have to forfeit every pursuit you once did perfectly well unassisted?

And, what happens to your friends? At least in the good old fashioned days you could reserve the right to withhold facebook friendship from your mate's significant other. I mean, who ever believed the whole, “your friends are my friends and my friends are your friends” bullshit deserves to be shot. That's not a rule. Some people are just not meant to get on and if anything are doomed only to be friends-in-law. But now Kathy and Heathcliffe are a sole entity. And in becoming so they have culminated their interests as if they were pooling cash for the weekly shop. They now love all the same films, have exactly the same taste in music, and have married their interests so they now both enjoy 5 a side footie and playing poker equally as much as shoe shopping and fake tanning. Its like a bad wedding poem, “two hearts, one soul”, there's just no escaping the incestuousness.

Of course, I'm being completely selfish now and only analysing the adverse affect this monstrosity will have on everyone else forced to play along. But, what about the couples themselves? Surely this act is going to make their relationship just as disposable as their independence? Trust is a tricky business, and giving your loved one a means to act as sole communicator for the two of you isn't going to be as smooth a ride as everyone intends it. Everyone is guilty of reading too much in to things when it comes to your nearest and dearest and the opposite sex, which albeit isn't always a bad thing, (maybe if Jennifer Aniston had read a bit more into what was going on behind the scenes of Mr. And Mrs. Smith, filming would have abruptly halted, subsequently cancelled and things would have been a lot different).

But when you're given an electronic portal into the world of ex-flames, flirty work colleagues and conveniently good looking new single acquaintances from your boyfriends point of view, you just know things are going to get ugly.
Because lets face it, people are people, they're devious, they're flirtatious, they're human. And don't tell me that when receiving inbox messages from the aforementioned intended for your boyfriend, you're not going to intercept it, pondering over what constitutes as a sufficient number of kisses, cut and paste it in a group email to your friends whilst on the phone to your mother hysterical with grief that you've uncovered evidence of an affair? (And I'm not advocating that men are exempt from bunny boiler behaviour, of course they're perfectly capable of such tendencies, it's just more plausible when describing it as a woman. You can blame Glen Close for that, I'm not taking personal responsibility). And if it doesn't completely decimate the relationship, even the most patient and understanding couple will suffer niggling doubts as to what that facebook poke from that girl he smiled at and brushed past in the pub the other week when he thought you weren't looking could mean.

Just take Lancelot and Guinevere, all that sneaking around the castle, be

h ind Arthur's back, now if they had had facebook..Well lets just say it would have become apparent a lot sooner. Picture the scene, King Arthur sits down after a long day at the round table to address his Kingdom via ye olde facebooke and is shocked to discover that “Lancelot and Guinevere/himself have become fans of sex in the middle of the night”. Well no shit Sherlock!

So, a word of advice to any couple who embarks on a dual dependence via facebook: keep one eye open and one hand refreshing that joint facebook page, but beware, curiosity killed the cat.

You heard it here first!