Ring Ring Your Orgasm's Calling

"Sex is not a time for chat"

Myself and a fellow cash strapped friend were recently discussing ways to earn a pretty penny through little or no effort. I facetiously ventured the prospect of participating in low-budget pornographic films, (I can be high-brow like that), and she commented that there was a substantial amount of money to be made working for premium-rate adult lines as phone-sex operators. Of course I was familiar with the late night adverts featuring young, nubile and tanned women with an alluring tone, but I'd never seriously contemplated the revenue benefits.

Unfortunately it's just not something I could consider. Even though the earnings were tempting, with one website boasting the likes of £600 to be made over a mere 20 hours, talking about sex in that manner wasn't something I had ever mustered up the nerve to do. There's nothing like providing a running commentary on what turns you on to make you feel like an inexperienced teenager all over again. See, to me phone sex is the equivalent to that painfully tense moment when he's taking just that little bit too long to unclasp your bra. It should be over and done with in a matter of seconds, but instead the awkwardness is prolonged to the point where you forget why the maneuver was being attempted in the first place.

   

Even though my humour relies heavily on self-deprecation, panicky thoughts often course through my mind like an unstoppable current. What if my illicit whisperings were met with a smirk and my stilted attempts at feigning enjoyment were uncovered? What if the intended recipient were only to utter empty replies accompanied by a grimace at my hopeless stuttering? Or, even worse, what if they're not even paying attention to me with the football on mute?

This apprehension was only heightened, when I discovered that Cosmopolitan magazine has conducted a survey on the topic (naturally) and have apparently found that 85% of guys would like their girl to "give it to them good - over the phone." One of their fictional test subjects Alan - an apparent phone sex enthusiast (it was unclear whether that was his actual occupation) commented that after phone sex his girlfriend showered him with compliments. But then the test subjects of Cosmopolitan are hardly representative of the rest of the population - it's not like they have the time to be a normal person as they're too busy fucking everyone and everything.

Still, I felt as though I'd been streamed in the 'slow sexual' group with no hopes of graduating and moving on to bigger and better experiences. So, I decided to combat my fears and conduct a bit of research on the topic. Which basically means that I Googled it.

And the information I encountered was gargantuan. I knew it was a lucrative business, but the untapped resources of tips, ideas and services was just incredible. No wonder I often get a busy signal when I ring people; everyone's indulging in mutual masturbation across the airwaves. 

 

After I'd perused a few of these illicit tutorials, at first I thought it was the writers intention to sound satirical and mocking in their approach. But then I realised this was geniune advice meant to be taken seriously. Of course, I don't take anything seriously, so you can imagine the pessimistic train of thought which ensued when attempting to digest these so-called handy hints. Well, you don't have to imagine, because I've written it down...

SEX UP YOUR VOICE

What an effective way to motivate someone into doing something they don't feel comfortable with. Your voice isn't a turn-on. In fact, it's a turn-off, you must change it lest you want to proceed directly to voice mail. Such healthy advice for a committed relationship in general too: be someone else. Someone a lot sultrier than the person they usually have to deal with.

"Lower your register and talk a little more slower than usual." 

Lower your IQ more like. And/or pronounce your sentences as though you're having difficulty making sense of them on a flashcard. English is no longer your first language. It's not even your third. GO. 

"Think breathy and husky."

Think. THINK. So breathing. I can do breathing. But not too heavily, lest I get cautioned for being a nuisance caller and not too fast either because it'll sound like I'm hyperventilating (which I'll probably be on the verge of doing anyway). The happy medium here is obviously sporadic outbursts of breath - sort of like when I take the stairs too quickly with a chest infection. And husky? OK. Phlegm. Yes phlegm. Lots and lots of phlegm. Clogging my nasal passages and sticking to the back of my throat. Got it. 

"A glass of wine or whiskey might help."

Please. I wrote the book on slurring. NEXT.

(Also, for anyone who's interested, I just Googled the larynx and well, it looks a lot like a certain other fleshy opening which is usually the main event in actual sexy times. Just saying).

ALWAYS EMBELLISH

Lie. Through. Your. Teeth.

Again, a very healthy tip for a long lasting relationship. Stay away from the truth because it just really isn't necessary. Happiness is an illusion.

"You're sitting around in sweats, a holey t-shirt and an avocado mask. But to him you're head-to-toe in Agent Provocateur."

Why is it that every time a woman is envisioned spending time alone just generally chilling out, some sort of ex-foliating skin care product has to be involved? I don't sit around soaking my pores in things. Much. 

Anyway besides, I don't want to pretend that I'm wearing obscenely expensive lingerie when I'm not. That's just depressing. It makes me loathe my rather bland camisole and pajama shorts. It also reminds me of how much money I'm not earning. Now I'm worrying about my spending habits, while trying to sound like someone else, ON TOP of tripping over lies about what saucy ensemble I'm supposed to have strapped myself into. 

Him: "So, what are you wearing?"

Me:  "I'm wearing my Megan Fox costume."

Job. Done. Onward.

DON'T FREAK

Why would I do that? I'm well within my comfort zone here. I don't sound like myself, I don't look like myself and I have lots of alcohol - which is always reassuring and never makes you worried or insecure.   

"Not everything he whispers into the phone is going to be something you're totally up for. Just try to act as naturally and normal as possible so he doesn't feel judged."

But what if he does deserve to be judged? I'm all for a bit of fantasy role-play and getting into character, but what if a line is crossed. Like really crossed and becomes a dot? How are you meant to laugh off a suggestion like, "I want you to pretend you're six years old and I am your uncle." This is why human beings haven't mastered telepathy. Way too risky. 

"Moaning and lustful sighing are key to avoiding an awkward silence."

Well, if I'm supposed to be six I'm probably going to be whimpering. If I'm twenty four and my boyfriend has just accidentally omitted that he's a secret pedophile, I'm definitely going to be whimpering. I mean, I know it's not exactly lustful moaning but he's still getting off to it. So technically, everybody wins?

This is where cheating really comes in handy.  

"Hun, I have a headache why don't you go pretend your mistress is a prepubescent who you want to savagely rape and psychologically damage for life?"

 Ahh domestic bliss. 

Playing Too Hard To Get - Part Two

 So, a cane. Kinky.

This post is dedicated to Lucy Sheriff who has been waiting ever so patiently for this belated second installment.

Having explored the fickle scenario of securing a date through the process of unavailability in Part One, I was keen to test the waters of that transitional period where date; the noun becomes to date; the verb. Entering into a situation where you've made it past the initial checkpoint and are attempting to secure a regular occurrence of seeing someone, which if all goes smoothly should inevitably lead to relationship-ville.

However this often proves to be a tricky endeavor as daily commitments take priority and slotting your new love interest into your life can be easier said than done. Of course when you're hopelessly infatuated with the person and find yourself proclaiming to skeptical friends that they're the one after just one casual tryst (I've never done that, seriously I haven't) you'll find yourself pushing aside important aspects of your life without a second thought. But is this really the best method in achieving the coveted monogamous union in which you have free rein to digitally secrete all over each other much to the rest of the online worlds distaste?

I've been reading from the scriptures of the Holy Bible again (aka the extreme self-help book simply entitled The Rules) and according to them, continuing with your life as normal is essential in maintaining his interest long-term. Now on the surface this seems to be pretty standard advice. There's nothing new there. I mean who in their right mind would put their responsibilities on hold for someone they're only casually involved with?

But it sounds familiar doesn't it? There you are drifting around somewhere near cloud nine and you'd do anything to push the relationship further along just that little bit faster. Suddenly you begin to act completely out of character in your fledgling attempts to gain a commitment and in doing so project an unrealistic fantasy onto him which fails to materialize because it simply never existed.

If the situation were to appear in a Facebook newsfeed it would read something like: "Miss head in the clouds has been painfully and embarrassingly rejected by Mr saw this one coming and bailed."  

So with that in mind, here are a few basic guidelines to follow during this transitional period:

"You should never accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday."

No date yet but at least I have my period

This seems a little extreme to me. Wednesday is that magical mid-week period when people start thinking about their plans for the weekend. So if anything post-Wednesday is ruled out that only leaves two days prior during the bleak part of the week for him to ask you out. (Going by the rule that Sunday is excluded from date planning procedure). Unless of course you've woken up together from Saturday night or he's your Sunday boyfriend.

Do we really have to start throwing them away purely because they're disorganised? It's incredibly difficult to find someone who you genuinely want to see again. So risking the courtship simply to ascertain that one has already made fictional plans seems incredibly childish to me.  

Why you should follow it: Not being at his beck and call is the key here. Men enjoy to be challenged and while I'm all for being spontaneous he'll ultimately have more respect for you if you're not rushing out of the door the minute he asks you what your plans are.

Why you should cheat it: In these early stages your turn of phrase is everything. Believe me, I recently engaged in a drunken late night conversation via the ever convenient medium of the mobile phone where I conducted myself in a way which I considered (at the time) to be a forthright and no-nonsense approach. When in fact it was nothing more than a psychotic misinformed tantrum. (Or from the segments I can remember anyway). I had the right idea but my words and the way in which I chose to orchestrate them failed to achieve the desired effect.

So, my point is, by all means accept a date after Wednesday. Accept it on the same day if you really want to (I don't see the harm) but just phrase your reply in a cool and collected manner. And don't reply straight away. Also, ammend the details of the arrangement he proposes. If he wants to meet at a certain time push it back or move it forward to accomdate your schedule. 

"Fill up your time before the date."

Hmm which bag of lettuce...oh who cares I'm so marrying him

This is practical but easier said than done. Presumably (if you've adhered to the first rule that is) you have a few days to wait until the big date and therefore more time to obsess about it. You fluctuate between frissons of excitement and paranoid feelings of self-doubt. Idle musings on what to wear lead to insecure thoughts about what their perception will be of you in broad daylight (very unforgiving).

Why you should follow it: When you're in the first flush of meeting someone new, it's very difficult to separate the reality of the situation from the fantasy in your head. Don't get your hopes up because ultimately you won't be doing yourself any favours. You should treat the date as thought it were an impending New Year's Eve celebration. The spontaneous gatherings at the local Pub almost always trump the pretentious parties you've been planning for weeks in advance because you haven't over-analyzed every minute detail and just left the events to occur naturally.

Why you should cheat it: OK, you can't physically stop yourself from envisioning the date, you're excited and it's only natural. It's like trying not to think about a red dot. Impossible. But don't let your mind wander anywhere into the immediate future beyond the date. That's risky territory and at this point not at all certain. Don't let your crazy fantasies manifest themselves by talking about him or the date to anyone else either. Especially not to mutual friends the two of you may share. (There's nothing worse than people assuming the relationship is more serious than it is and attempting to force it along).

"Don't see him more than once or twice a week."

  Absence makes the heart grow fungus

So you've been on three or more dates together and are talking to each other via some medium virtually every day. Naturally you're beginning to form an attachment and are beginning to reassure yourself that you're not going to die alone and wind up in an advanced stage of rigor mortis before anyone discovers you.  

Why you should follow it: Resisting the urge to say yes every time he asks you to do something is a sensible move as a new love interest is a novelty which should be kept that way. And note that I said sensible. Yes it's a wonderful feeling when you've met someone and you think it could really be something. But don't enter into a relationship with someone just because you're fed up of being single. Also it's important to remember that you had a life before him and if things don't work out you'll have one after him too. He won't. But you will.  

Why you should cheat it: Don't cheat it. That's right you heard me. And I know exactly what you're thinking: I can always e-stalk him. No. Not a good idea. There's nothing wrong with having a cheeky gander at his Facebook photos, but don't let yourself fall into a habit whereby you're checking his profile as much as you do your own. It's not healthy and is essentially a form of modern torture. You'll have access to a plethora of information without any of the context around it. So any girl that he's photographed with or has a message from will obviously provoke an unnecessarily jealous reaction. If anything you should hide his updates from your newsfeed to avoid temptation entirely.

"Stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your Birthday or Valentine's Day."

No scrubs

While I enjoy being treated I'm certainly not the type of person to be bought or to be taken in by wealth and pretension. I don't think it's necessary to have to break the bank in order to have a good time with someone, especially not in the beginning stages - if it doesn't work out it feels like such a waste. Besides there are other far more important qualities I look for in a man which don't include how generous he is with his wallet (of course I'm not advocating that you should let yourself be taken advantage of by a shameless freeloader either). Similarly being lavished with gifts so early on just seems so insincere. But I think the key thing to remember here is the thought.

  
Why you should follow it: This is the most personal rule and one which I can't really advise you on because it's purely down to the individual. I wouldn't be the least bit offended if a guy I was casually seeing didn't indulge me with a sentimental gift on Valentines Day. But that's because it's never been important to me, whether I've been in a relationship or not. Sure I've exchanged cards and received gifts, but I've never behaved any differently on this particular occasion. Going out for a romantic meal is something I enjoy on a regular basis not just once a year.  

Birthdays are slightly different, but in no way do I expect a gift. A small gesture as simple as a thoughtful message will suffice. A sign that they're putting in a little bit of effort is more than enough to keep me happy. I'm not a fan of public gestures at all.

Case in point: A few months ago I went on a date with someone I wasn't overly keen on. He arrived with a bouquet of flowers. Which was very sweet, but I felt it was a bit dramatic for the casual drink we were having. Ultimately the flowers worked against him because it felt too contrived and although the thought was there the sentiment just got lost.

Why you should cheat it: If you're a particularly materialistic person then you should at least admit it to yourself and find someone who will indulge and spoil you if that's what it takes to truly make you happy. After all life is too short to settle for anything less.

Playing Too Hard To Get - Part One

In my last post Can't Read My Poker Face Or Can You? I explored the relevance of game playing in the early stages of dating. And as is often the case with my blogging, I shamelessly probed my lovely Twitter followers for their insight and general ingenuity. One tweet I received was of particular interest to me:

Which has inspired what will become a series of posts on the notion that while game playing can inject a certain level of excitement and intrigue into a relationship, it's imperative that you don't overdo it. 

The act of nonchalance is very easy to do when you're genuinely not interested in someone's advances,  however when the feeling is forced it becomes more of a chore than a thrill. Still, I've begrudgingly become quite well versed in appearing frosty and uncaring, since for a time I genuinely believed it was the only way to deal with men. And the most common form of manipulation which most women employ in the early stages of communicating with a prospective date is unavailability.

According to 'The Rules' (a controversial self-help book for women with careful instructions on how to implement business strategies in finding a husband) becoming less available to a man is paramount in those crucial early stages.

When it comes to communication:

"You should never call him." 

 Don't send him that telegram

I can appreciate why you shouldn't initiate any contact with him, because obviously the first sign that he's somewhat interested is by his need to strike up a conversation with you. Of course with the advent of email, social networking and instant messaging it's important not to read too much into this. He could very well just be saying a friendly hello because he's bored or there's an advert on or he's after a naked photo of you (as is often the case). But this is a sensible rule and one which I mostly adhere to. 

Why you should follow it: It's so easy to talk to people these days (I often ring people by accident) that if he's not talking to you, the chances are it's because he's choosing not to. And if he can't be bothered to text/tweet/IM you imagine what else he won't be bothered about doing?

Why you should cheat it:  There's nothing to stop you from casually getting the ball rolling if you really want to and I say do it! But not at the expense of you doing all of the conversational legwork. If his replies are decidedly lackluster then don't set yourself up for continual rejection because it's really not worth it.

"You should rarely return his calls."

Not even if you wanted to

I understand the idea that absence can create anticipation and a sense of urgency but that doesn't warrant not replying at all. Although certainly wait a little while to reply. It's pretty standard for there to be a thirty minute interval between text messages. Of course the worst scenario is when you're waiting for a reply to a text message and the person in question is online - excruciating. If this ever occurs for me, I just send them to my offline list. The little green circle next to their name is a cruel joke, reminding you that they'd rather scroll through their inane newsfeed than reply to your witty innuendo. 

Why you should follow it: Not replying to every little thing he sends your way can work to your advantage because after all men are pitiful little creatures a lot of the time and tend to equate longing with love. And essentially by taking your time the theory is that you become a catch rather than a convenience.

Why you should cheat it: It's one thing to test the willingness of the pursuer, but it's quite another to appear completely uninterested. Reply. But don't ask a question. Go for a conversation killer like indeed or haha. That's a test: his willingness to start a new topic. 


When it comes to calling it a night:

"Always end phone calls and dates first."

 

Gently does it

Being an enigma has become rather difficult over the last few years due to our increasingly prevalent online accessibility to each other. Especially for someone like me who is a self-confessed social networking whore and an avid blogger whose identity is unashamedly exposed to the masses. Creature of mystery isn't exactly something I can pull off.

Anyway, abruptly ending a conversation with the intention of creating further interest seems to me like the equivalent to cutting the head off a flower which is still in full bloom - agonising and unnecessary. This coupled with the fact that despite anything else I might be doing I'll always be signed into some form of instant messaging in the background. So it's not as if I'm sat staring unblinkingly at the chat window, I just happen to be constantly online. And sometimes the conversation just goes on and on and on.

As for a date situation, I'm notoriously unable to call anything a night. Even if I'm not particularly having a great time, I'll just consume more alcohol and mysteriously it suddenly doesn't seem quite so bad. (I would hasten to add that I'm not an alcoholic. Yet, I'm sure it's in the post). But if you're having a really great time with someone, I can see the benefit of leaving in good grace instead of risking the point where you're starting to get on each others nerves.

Why you should follow it: While I'm not completely sold on the leaving them wanting more concept, I think it's important to assert that you actually have a life and don't put it on hold for anyone too easily. So when you do eventually make room for that special person they'll feel as though they've earned it as opposed to thinking you just do that for everyone. Also, being the first to bid good night on a date eliminates the chances of sleeping with him too early. (However I will be exploring how soon is too soon in my next post).

Why you should cheat it: Keeping the conversation flowing is a barometer for that initial attraction felt between two people. If you're constantly cutting it short, how are you going to decide if it could really be something? The danger of course is if it enters the realms of unnecessary subjects. Sex talk should be kept off the table, along with naughty pictures and abortion jokes. Let him cut it short sometimes.

While solitaire can be a laugh riot, two player games are equally as rewarding. 

Click here for Part Two or here for more posts on dating advice for women.
 

Snap Happy

There’s an epidemic of irrational and unnecessary photography sweeping the internet since, well forever really and I’m no exception, (in fact I’ve just had the pleasure of being tagged in several photos of myself in various poses with a novelty moustache). So, I just wanted to shine a bit of hypocritical light on the absurd commonalities of online photo sharing.

The Myspace Pose

It’s become as ubiquitous as the site itself. And when the Myspacer’s eventually jumped from the sinking ship, (sorry Tom but it’s true), aboard more attractive social networks, they brought with them an unwelcome stowaway. Pointing a camera directly at a mirror while holding it from various angles can often give the illusion that you’re thinner and more attractive than you are. But that’s all it is: an illusion. You can’t hold a person in quite the same manner and make sure their eye line is viewing you at your best. You just can’t. They’re going to see you and your gut in all its conspicuous glory when they inevitably click on view more pictures. Why does this never occur to people? I personally like to have a mixed bag of good and not so good snap shots of me, so as to ensure if anyone ever met me in the flesh they wouldn’t be too disappointed and even dare I say it, pleasantly surprised.

Scenery

Holiday snaps. They’re very effective at elevating your smug sense of self-worth to the online community. They confirm that you do in fact leave the dreary location of home once in a while and are a very cultured member of society. (Not to mention own goal-ing yourself, by intensifying an already prevalent bout of Seasonal Affective Disorder). And I know being a tourist with a camera is likened to that of a junkie looking for their next fix, but the need to fill a memory card with shot after shot of landscapes, sunsets, animals and the bed in the hotel room remains a mystery to me. The moment can never be captured, because when you get home you’re just going to bypass the photos of the horizon in favour of the ones of you enjoying yourself. Which is why you went on holiday in the first place, right?

Food

When you’re hungry everything looks appetizing. I’m often hungry because I have a secret fat girl inside me. Many a time she’s seen strips of cardboard which resemble a succulent cut of sirloin. She’s mentally ill. The appeal is in her head. So listen carefully, just because it’s a meal that you’ve warmed up yourself, doesn’t mean it’s photo-worthy, in fact it’s mediocre at best and really quite forgettable. Your taste buds have momentarily taken control of your better judgment and convinced you that this dish wouldn’t look out of place in the likes of a pretentious yuppie establishment with a french sounding name. A picture of an “epic sandwich” isn’t timeless, it’s time consuming. Just eat it, experience a sense of self-loathing if you’ve just cheated your diet, be full, forget about it, be content for a few hours, then do it all again. And so the cycle of endless consumption continues.

Your Car

Immerse yourself in this knowledge: NO ONE CARES. That’s all I have to say in this category. No witticisms. No picture. No tolerance.

Kissing

A few months ago I blogged about the online presence of relationships and their public display of awareness. Which you can find here: http://bit.ly/c99299 Newsflash, you’re not on the cover of a gossip rag and neither is your relationship. No one cares that you’ve been photographed kissing, (the fact that our celebrity obsessed culture cares that anyone of fame and wealth is kissing, frankly frightens me, but that’s a separate issue). You’re a couple, it’s what couples do, we know. And believe me, no one is more thrilled than I am that you’ve found a life companion within this hostile world in which to exchange various diseases with, but, as a popular pop punk quintet would say, “save it for the bedroom”. And don’t leak a sex video to be passed among the local Smart phones either, because no one wants to see that. (That’s not a lyric in the song, but it really should be).

Gigs

Watching and enjoying a gig used to be the primary motives as an audience member. But as technology has soldiered on, so has our idea of a good time. I used to have my view obstructed by people’s heads and now, my vision is consistently accosted with rows of camera phones. You think you’re immortalising the moment, but what you’re going to end up with is, well arm ache, primarily. And an image that might have a silhouette of a figure, clutching what looks to be a threatening weapon, that has become an amalgamated part of them. Not to mention a ream of blurred images that resemble a child’s water painted interpretation of a rainbow.

Sabotage

Recognise her? No? Well, I do. It’s me. How refreshingly original. I’ve taken a regular word and manipulated it to fit a different context. A lewd context. I’m living proof that maturity isn’t acquired simply through age. Don’t do this. It will come back to haunt you, I guarantee it. This also goes for moronically grinning and pointing at an advertisement for a company which has the same name as you. Yes, the world exists outside of your own bubble. It’s mind boggling.

Abvs

So, my grammar post had a few minor mistakes of its own, which were lovingly pointed out to me, from which I learned the valuable lesson of proof reading. We’re all human, we make mistakes and we learn from them. Suffice to say I have replaced my delete button with a sharp point.

Anyway, next I wish to address typical online conversation and the abbreviated language it has spawned as a result. While it might be easier for people to type, it certainly isn’t easy to read.


Shortened Words
I think the object of shortened words is to save time when you’re typing them. The words on the list below don’t exceed six letters. Is it really worth it? I don’t think it’s worth it one bit. What are you actually going to do with the point whatever of a second that you’ve saved from missing out crucial vowels? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.


Ne1 - Anyone

Ur - Your

4get - Forget

Cnt - Can’t

Ther - There
Wot - What
Thn - Than
Ppl - People

I attempted to type the word ‘anyone’ as the abbreviated alternate shown above. I failed. I spent too much time saying the word in my head phonetically in order to work out which letter to type as opposed to the letter it actually begins with. And then there was the whole palaver of remembering to access the numerate keys, wrongly holding the shift button down to create an exclamation mark. In short it was a travesty. But I find I can type the correctly spelled ‘anyone’ in no time at all without so much as a hitch. Interesting.


Abbreviated sentences (often conversation killers)
It’s like a form of Newspeak, eradicating letters for convenience. But it’s not convenient, because I often have to ask someone what the abbreviation means and they end up having to type it in order to explain anyway. Which is senseless and time consuming, not convenient in the slightest.



Lol - I find that humourous.
Pmsl/Rofl/Lmao - I find that very humourous.
OMG - I find that shocking.
OBV - I find that glaringly apparent.
Brb - I find that, oh wait hang on.
STFU - (Shut the fuck up). Oddly this is one I get a lot. I’d have more respect for someone simply going offline and crying in a corner in response to whatever I’d insulted them with.

TBH - To be honest.
ATM - At the moment.


HAND - Have a nice day.
I’m undecided which comment bothers me the most. On the one hand, (no pun intended), it’s a random body part being thrown into the conversation for seemingly no reason. And on the other, someone is actually telling me to enjoy my day. Yes, definitely the latter. This must be an American one. We’re British, no one has nice days and we don’t even so much as look at each other on public transport let alone wish each other well.



Hearts
Hearts have a lot to answer for.

Just for reference, that is a human heart. It’s the size of a fist and not particularly attractive either.

I often see people using this online:
“I love you ♥” - I love you heart.

Why is that heart there? I love my heart. It’s done a lot for me. But using it for extra emphasis is annoying. The sentence implies that there is a lot of heart involved in what you’re trying to express. The fact that you also had to copy and paste that heart from somewhere reeks of desperation. I found mine from a particular person’s profile because I knew they were the type to use it, (one of their friends had actually written it), but you can tell a lot about a person by who they’re friends with, so I rest my case.

Also, using the noun, “heart” as a verb. You don’t heart anything, it’s not correct. People profess to heart the City they live in, when actually they simply experience varying degrees of enjoyment from cohabiting there. If I walked around with a t-shirt proclaiming the sentence, “I often enjoy living in Cardiff”, you’d think I was mentally ill, and you’d be right. I will concede that you can love something, of course you can. But the problem is you don’t even feel that way about it. I see things written like, “I heart this sandwich.” You don’t love it, you will marginally like it for a short period of time and then forget its existence entirely.

Like ex-boyfriends. LOLZ.