If you're happy and you know it

At the beginning of January while most people are making fervent fitness resolutions (which range from joining a gym to idly watching a fitness DVD of someone who used to be on Coronation Street) I find myself in a transient state. Unable to change for the better until I've turned one year older. For I never officially make a new start until after my birthday, which conveniently for me falls during the last week of the month. This is because undoubtedly any promises I make to myself will come undone during the celebrations and will probably do so all at once. Now that the birthday fire has burned out and nothing but a handful of pitiful embers remain, I am free to embark on 2014 with a fresh perspective. And I'd like to feel better about myself in the coming year, wouldn't we all?

So in order to start 2014 as I mean to go on i.e. making everyone feel better about themselves, I have decided to warn you about an ominous website. A website which will slowly drain your soul of light and radiance and replace it with an empty tin of Heinz tomato soup. (If you look up Heinz tomato soup in the dictionary you won't find a definition, but fortunately I am on hand to tell you that it is soulless).

"Can you be happy for 100 days in a row?"

Such happiness, so Stepford

I encountered the sinister website 100HappyDays, as one often does these days through a Twitter hashtag, having originally clicked because I thought what a funny satirical joke it was. However a few minutes of incredulous scrowling* later, I discovered that it is in fact an initiative instructing people to upload a daily photograph conveying what they consider to be personal happiness.

So very obviously not a joke.

In the words of the wonderfully clinical and pragmatic Mycroft Holmes, "This is a matter of national importance. Grow up!" Out of all the wide ranging and character arcing emotions which we experience as fickle human beings throughout our daily lives, happiness is the most boring.Yes it is immensely satisfying to be content, but it's completely unnecessary to explain to other people why you are happy because you will inevitably be accused of gloating and you probably are. Besides isn't posting a positive spin on our lives through a social media platform what we do all-day every-day anyway? Happiness overload!

But lets seriously consider this for a moment. Does spending several agonised minutes uploading a photo of "the very tasty cake in the nearby coffee place" to Instagram (once you've ensured the appropriate filter portrays it in the best light and the hashtags are sufficiently optimised) equate to true happiness? Now, taking a screen shot of the reverence your photograph receives from your followers is surely a more accurate reflection of what makes you happy. A nice itemised list of happiness. Because that's what it's really all about:: validation. We're just not happy until other people know about it. Plus, not everyone experiences happiness in a robotic Stepford Wife fashion as 100HappyDays would have you believe. Personal joy isn't always clean-cut good family fun. Who decides what the criteria is for personal joy and fulfillment?

But then again who cares? Frankly the assumption that anyone will find the banality of what you consider to be happiness at all interesting is insulting. I understand that in your dream scenario you envision your legions of fictitious life-spectators to engage with you encouragingly and in turn be happy for you. Unfortunately no one experiences happiness when other people are happy. In the real world people roll their eyes and glower at the screen while a tidal wave of self-loathing fills the room and bursts through the window into the street, taking everyone and everything with them into a swirling abyss of hateful despair.

But I digress, I just don't like initiatives. They're usually the precursor to a sect which results in its members committing mass suicide and the website is worded frighteningly so. "People successfully completing the challenge claimed to start receiving more compliments from other people and fall in love during the challenge." By taking photos of cakes which you haven't eaten or paid for? I don't think so. Actually people receive compliments and fall in love simply by embracing all of their emotions and living their lives.

Otherwise known as "real life"
@RobHughesComedy

The longer you spend reading 100HappyDays the less you will notice the residual numbness which will inevitably engulf you. The childish nonchalance of the font subdues you and the blinding yellow hue is probably supposed to be reminiscent of butter or gold or sunlight and other inherently nice things which we associate with the colour. It's best to scan it quickly and immediately click the x button, lest you should yield to sharing the forced experience of an everyday commonplace emotion with people you don't particularly like or even know.

In order to feel good about your life you need to remember that you're perfectly able to be happy without this website or anyone else knowing about it. But only if you allow yourself to be. After all, happiness depends upon ourselves.

*Scrowling, verb "To scroll through a web page while scowling."

Picture source: https://mubi.com/films/the-stepford-wives

Blogger Meet-Up LDN - Tuesday 29th November

GUYS. I need your attention. Listening? Good. I've been very kindly invited to a blogger meet-up next Tuesday in London and I'm taking it upon myself to extend this invitation to all of my lovely fellow bloggers. It's a Fun 'n' Games party for bloggers, brought to you by the ultra-cool London Ping Pong Company on behalf of Badoo - the worlds largest social network. Yes, the largest. It boasts 120 million members - that's 300,000 users a day AND it's Facebook's fastest growing app. 

But wait, you've never heard of it? Don't worry, neither had I. It's huge overseas (no, really) and it's just exploding in the UK and US. So naturally, we all want to be at the promotional party for a chance to try out the network via a live demonstration (the basic version is free to use anyway) and provide feedback on the experience. And by feedback, I mean take advantage of the freebies! 

Oh, I've got your attention now have I? Yes, there will be pizza, beer, wine and sumptuous cocktails which you won't have to pick up the tab for. Not to mention a veritable array of gaming for those with a competitive streak, including Wii gaming, foosball and Encounters (Badoo's version of Hot or Not. Pre-Facebook it was the only site that mattered). 

But read on because there's more...

What is Badoo?

It's a meet-up service (like a dating site and social network combined) which connects users through profile photos and locations. You can state your intention through a handy little drop down box which lists ideas for what you want to do and who you want to do it with. So for example, if you fancy going to the cinema you can peruse nearby users who are also looking for a movie buddy. Or perhaps you want to make dinner for two or simply share jokes with someone. OR as one gentleman who just contacted me asked, to share a balloon ride with. Hmm, my head is in the clouds far too much as it is - but you see what I mean. And you can tailor your intention to suit the desired sex and age range of your prospective (ahem) friend. Of course it's available via the new mobile app also, which might just make it the guerrilla terrorist of forever alone.

(OK, so if you can look past the fact that my eyebrow looks scarily like a tadpole you will notice that I am super popular already. And I only registered half an hour ago. What are you waiting for?)

Where is it?

It's being held in the ultra-pretentious and hipster location of Shoreditch, East London. Where everyone is rich, middle-class, a snob and dresses straight out of the 1940s - basically I NEED to be among them. The venue, Queen of Hoxton is typically effortlessly amazing looking and you can check out photos of it in all its splendor here: the gallery of all that is uber pretentious and retro.


What do I need to do?

If you're interested in coming along to chat, socialise and/or flirt with like-minded bloggers and webheads then please RSVP by dropping @Chrissssmith a line on Twitter. I should hasten to add that due to high demand the list is very rapidly approaching capacity, so you will need to let him know ASAP!

In the meantime, talk to me @DirtyKnickers_. Got any questions? Want to tell me you're coming right now? I know you do. So, do it already.

Sapphic Repercussions

About two months ago I wrote a post about a sexual fantasy I'd been harboring for a while and in typical dirty knickers fashion it featured some downright candid and unabashed opinions The fantasy in question was my desire for a same-sex encounter and in case you missed it the first time around you can read it here. On the whole it received some wonderfully empathetic comments and praise. But it also shocked and disgusted some people. Most notably because I'd posted the link to my Facebook wall (apparently casual lesbianism isn't ready to be accepted among my Facebook friends, but when it comes to casual racism no one so much as bats their culturally ignorant eyelid). Much to my amusement I was also excluded from social events with acquaintances which I would have ordinarily been invited to - had I not divulged my covert lesbian fantasies. I can only assume they now live in fear that I'm going to attempt to queen them at any given opportunity. In front of their boyfriend. In public. (Yes this sounds incredibly enjoyable).

I've always been of the opinion that by not justifying yourself to your critics you're having the last laugh. But I've decided to start writing a bi-monthly post which will address some of the backlash I receive for documenting my honesty on the internet. And before you start accusing me of wallowing in self-pity, I'm not going to write paragraph after paragraph moaning about how misunderstood I am. Instead I'm going to be frank about why I do the things I do and try to inject a bit of humour into the situation. (After all when gravity fails me funny will be all I have). It shall be commencing this weekend, so brace yourselves.

In the mean time if you're now in the mood for some talented lesbian musings, here are my recommendations:

"It’s utterly stupid and juvenile. I seem to thrive upon Unrequited Love, I could love you forever if only I could never have you. Maddened, titillated and passionate I’ll go to the ends of the earth and free fall off into the deepest depths of a never shared love. Poetry and prose run bountifully from my fingertips, Mumford & Sons and Bon Iver will play dutifully into the night… Until that irritating moment when you turn around and say; “Actually, you’re lovely. Do you want to go on a date?” and ruin my whole melancholy, broken artist in love look. I’ve never actually been on a date..."

Read More


"Everybody acts differently around different people, it’s Human nature, but how far can you go before it turns into a case of hiding who you are? Especially in the gay society we feel we have to – not so much hide but.. reserve our sexualities around certain people, whether it be out of respect, uncertainty or even fear. I’m not a person that is afraid to share my sexual preferences with anyone and everyone, educate, humiliate and fight my corner but even I sometimes feel the atmosphere thicken and think twice about my loud and confident approach when the topic rears it’s head. I’ve been paying extra close attention to my many different Lesbian personalities over the last week or so and I’ve noticed the following..."


Read More


"So, after spending plenty of time scraping the metaphorical barrel in my small town, for beautiful lesbiansexuals, I excitedly searched further afield. I ventured out to the next biggest town, with my token gay male friend, filled with the expectations and hopes so high I could have wee’d with the anxiety. I had not been in the dingy so-called Gay Bar an hour; and I had already been rejected by the only straight girl in there, almost punched in the face by a psychotic who was convinced I was trying to get with her girlfriend, oh and been shunned by someone else because they refused to believe I liked women..."

Read More

Dual Identity

After careful deliberation on my one hour lunch at work, I decided to create a secondary Twitter account @DirtyKnicksBlog which will focus on my blog. The reason I'm calling it secondary and not separate is because it's still very heavily connected with my main account @DirtyKnickers_ and at the moment has most of the same followers. Then what's the point? Well I want people to choose to follow and receive the blog links I post. It's only fair. I'm all for self-promotion but bombarding people with information they don't want is the fastest way to disengage your audience and lose followers. And that can't happen. I'm all about the follower count.

It's been live for almost a fortnight now and I've been a little lazy when it comes to tweeting from it, instead opting to retweet links from my main account in an effort to get the ball rolling. But I've decided that I'm going to take the most popular topic I tweet about: Twitpicing my online dating escapades and only tweet them from this account (with the occasional RT) from my main account.

Of course you'll still be the recipient of the odd crazed candidness which dominates my main account @DirtyKnickers_ but I'll be posting more dating questions and musings about relationship scenarios on @DirtyKnicksBlog. Also I feel a lot less inhibited on my blog account. (Yes I have inhibitions). I would go into more detail but @GutterSmurf has succinctly summed up my intentions beautifully...

So FOLLOW @DirtyKnicksBlog and in the mean time I shall be promoting it the only way effective way I know how...

Of course Dirty Knickers can be found all over the vast landscape of cyberspace..

My new Facebook timeline has become another source of marketing. @MartynKelly hooked me up with it and I feel deliciously superior now. Of course I've also shared the technical know-how on my profile via @Aylott so don't hate me too much.

Feel free to ADORE me on my page also Dirty Knickers on Facebook and check me out here http://about.me/dirtyknickers/ for the myriad of other online outlets I lovingly adorn.

Confessions of a Cyber Junkie

Oh my meme 
Right: @Oh_Merde

A friend recently commented that it would be a rather straightforward endeavour to stalk me if someone felt that way inclined. Of course they were not referring to my popularity or wholesome likability for that matter (people don't like me?) - but instead to my voracious appetite for online social networking. In fact, it's become a bit of a running joke with my less techno-prone chums as to how much I reveal about myself and the myriad details of my life across the seemingly vast landscape that we call cyberspace.

I began to argue that it was only as a result of my blog, when I looked down at the current geo-enabled app I had poised ready to check-in to wherever we were and realised that my love affair with the internet was by no means new. In fact, as soon as the facility had been first bestowed on me - I was hooked.

As a relatively fresh faced teenager I distinctly remember watching the little MSN people tantalizingly dance around each other via my sluggish AOL dial-up connection. Yearning to sign in and have virtual conversations with peers I'd sat opposite all day in a classroom.

In college it was all about kitsch layouts, suggestive bulletins and the freedom to assert your personal tastes and opinions in an unlimited profile which wasn't complete without that all important tune of the moment. Myspace. (Also quite a handy beginners crash course in HTML). 


Then communicating online with friends was taken to a whole new level in my coming of age fresher days. Facebook. I remember breathing life into mine when it was still limited to University usage. Back in 2005 when the profiles were far more limited (which I preferred) and not everyone was up to speed on keeping them private. Now of course it's a haven for the people of your past who you know but wish you didn't. Giving a voice to casual racism and the facility to share scanned photos of fetuses at every chavy whim. Casting a worried eye over your newsfeed sometimes makes you wonder if democratic free speech is really such a good thing after all.

Then about two years ago I created a Twitter account. And like most new users who had grown accustomed to the uncomplicated and comfortable familiarity of the Facebook bubble, it took a little getting used to. 

Retweets, @mentions  and #HashTags were an alien vernacular to me. I was safely cocooned in a privacy protected environment which didn't allow me to stray too far out of the close knit circle of people who I knew in my everyday world.

And while I still have my friendships which transcend cyberspace and are successfully sustained without it (my best friend has never succumbed to Facebook) I've suddenly found myself connecting with a vast array of like-minded people through witty and concise conjectures.

Twitter has become my social pipeline to the world. As well as a support network, an endless tirade of banter and ultimately a very effective channel through which to plug my elongated filthy opinions (otherwise known as what you're reading right now). It's also a far more cathartic and cheaper alternative to therapy. With thousands of like-minded people available to validate your opinion faster than you can say tweet tweet.

Some people can't get enough of you.

While others tire easily.
(Note I favourited that).

The thing to remember with Twitter is that it's an incredibly informal network (far more so than Facebook) so when you're unfollowed you can't take it too personally. (Oh don't I sound rational?) It can also be a double edged sword at times, as you try and find the balance between tweeting too little and too excessively. Both can be detrimental to your follower count - particularly when you're constantly advertising links to content which some of your followers are simply not interested in. And yours truly has been wildly guilty of the latter lately. My Twitter used to be reserved for the occasional link to my personal blog, with the rest of my tweets dedicated to outlandish self-deprecation. But over the last few months, I allowed the business side of my life to overshadow my personality and received quite the backlash.

So in order to rectify this I have split myself in half and created a Twitter account solely for my blog @DirtyKnicksBlog. Some people have commented that I should use my current Twitter account for my blog and create a personal account. And I know this may sound stupid, but I don't think I can let go of being @DirtyKnickers_ in a personal capacity.

Besides, I can't just pull the magic switcharoo on my followers with no warning. Now you follow me, now you don't - and in fact follow my blog instead. I want people to choose to follow the blog links I post, instead of being bombarded with them every second of  the live long day. (I can only imagine how irritating it must have been. Especially if you don't follow a great deal of people - I dominated the timeline). I'd have unfollowed too. In fact I have done to people in the past.

But it's been a learning curve and I thought I might as well share a little handy hint which I've learned during my time in the Twittersphere. 

There are literally hundreds of Twitter apps out there to measure stats, flush out the inactive accounts, generate more followers and target similar users to you. All professing to enhance and benefit your Twitter experience. But if you only ever use one web based Twitter app, then I emphatically recommend:

Who.Unfollowed.Me 

It takes a snapshot of your list of followers and then catches unfollowers in real time. It sounds a little crazed (and yes it probably is) but there is a benefit: it can maintains your Twitter ratio between the people you're following and the people who are following you. In order to have a positive ratio and be considered worth following back, your follower count must be higher than the amount of people you're following.You don't want to continue following someone who has unfollowed you. The application  also tracks the accounts who don't return your follow. So after a couple of days you can unfollow them, thus preserving your ratio.

Of course, people will argue that it's more important to have quality over quantity when it comes to followers. And yes, this is true. I don't relish spam bots following me but it's exactly like throwing a party - in that you let the freaks stay until it livens up. Also, Twitter is an incredibly shallow network. People will decide whether to follow you back based on how many followers you have and then will try to ascertain why you have them. If you have 500 followers but you're following over 2000 people, you'll instantly be regarded as someone who has simply converted a small number of people to follow you back through the odds of mass following.

However your Twitter worth is also dependent on other factors. Such as your Retweet success and the amount of times you're listed. But I'll save that for another Twitter related post, as I am after all a cyber junkie.

So Skype me.