God breathes life into a single girls sensibility
What started off as a joke between a single friend and I over the Christmas period, has fast become my New Year's Resolution of sorts (as I never officially make any) for 2011.
After a debaucherous festive night out on the town, we found ourselves the following morning in the living room having a laptop orgy, while devouring nutritiously processed meat and raucously laughing at our escapades. (A standard cliché which often proves to be very therapeutic when attempting to lift hungover spirits).
We mused over the failings of the men who we'd encountered the previous night, along with the audacity of those who we had casually slept with a handful of times proposing the idea of a threesome and the proclamation of having "night terrors" as a suitable excuse for rejecting the sexual proposition of a one-night stand. A typical exchange of mutual disappointments with our current flings and what equally unsatisfying and disillusioning experiences they can be.
But as single girls our conversation isn't just limited to our latent promiscuity and cackling over men's shortcomings in the bedroom or in life (as is often the case with the ones we tend to encounter). No, contrary to popular belief, we do in fact yearn for the intimacy and security of a romantic relationship with a special man whom we can share our inner-most desires and dreams with. But only on a Sunday.
Or more accurately: on the Sabbath.
Generally the Sabbath day is considered a weekly day of rest and worship within the Abrahamic religions and other practices. With it typically being Sunday for most Christians, Saturday for Jews and Friday for Muslims. But the day itself which you consider to be the Sabbath is inconsequential as there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to differing beliefs. After all religion is a civil liberty. However our Western society has become increasingly secular and so our religious priorities have been replaced with that of the non-religious. And for most people a happy and fulfilling life now greatly outweighs the prospect of an eternally satisfying afterlife which we can't be sure exists at all. As the importance of an ecclesial being and its respective institution pales in comparison to the people who we choose to spend our lives with.
So with that being said, I think it's safe to clarify that our relationships with people have become our top priority (along with good health and financial security). And in terms of the Sabbath in it's most limited definition: God is remembered weekly but isn't directly referred to in all other aspects of daily life. And as a non-practising Catholic, I don't choose to dedicate my Sunday to the remembrance of the resurrection but I would be prepared to utilise this weekly observance in terms of a relationship.
Now I'm not suggesting that another person should become our sole fixation of worship - far from it. More the emotional intimacy of a union with another person would get my full attention for just one day and the rest of the week I could resume my normal life without having to worry about that other persons needs.
Hence my New Year's resolution: To find someone who is on the same page as me i.e. Someone who is willing to put just as much effort into a relationship as I am and expect the same amount out of it.
Mutual interest be with you
Of course herein lies a problem. While I don't want to clearly define the relationship, I also don't want to leave it open to interpretation and have it become just a casual fling. I don't want to merely have sex with someone every Sunday. What I'm looking for also goes far beyond the realms of a conventional 'friendship with benefits'. (I don't want to ruin my relationship with someone I already consider to be a friend).
I want someone where there is a mutual attraction between us. We'd have stimulating conversations, a similar sense of humour and we'd enjoy spending time together which wasn't just physical. A boyfriend. But one whom I would have absolutely no contact with during the course of a six day period via any medium (phone, text, email, tweet, instant messaging or carrier pigeon) and would routinely spend a couple of hours or a whole day with on a weekly basis.
Imagine the amount of stress that would be relieved from the relationship? Where it wasn't mandatory to check in with each other every day and feel obligated to do things for one another which we didn't want to do. Gone would be the feelings of guilt and the excess baggage of another persons life. Instead, you could just eliminate the normal conventions of a relationship and spend time exclusively with each other for a couple of hours on a given day. And then part ways for the rest of the week, free to live as independently and selfishly as you had been doing without having to act like one half of a whole.
And the more I thought about it, the more realistic an expectation it became. I wonder how many people are actually in this type of relationship without even realising it? At least I'm actually acknowledging what I want: a relationship without the expectation of commitment. And not being strung along in the pretense that it's more than what it actually is. I want the attention and happy feelings that can sometimes only be achieved by having a special guy in your life. But I don't have the time or inclination to fully make room for him in it.
Haziness can be clarifying
I suppose this sounds as though I'm against relationships, when really what all of this stems from is the fact that a never ending string of casual flings can be so intensely disappointing. I find that the guy is spending so much time trying to convey that he doesn't see me as a potential girlfriend that the fun just gets sucked right out of it.
Case in point: A few months ago I was sleeping with someone on a regular basis, where we were always drunk and it was arranged on a completely spontaneous basis. I didn't mind this at all. It suited what I wanted from the relationship. But it got to the stage where we would be having sex and he wouldn't even look at me during, much less kiss me.
That's not the least bit satisfying. I enjoy having sex with someone for the emotional connection as well as the physical one. And while detaching yourself from certain emotions is one thing, feeling like a giant hand is quite another. Hey buddy, did you know that connecting with someone in the moment is about more than just penetration? And just because a person maintains eye contact with someone while they're having sex does not mean they're envisioning the pair of you as little edible people adorning the top of a wedding cake?
Because as he failed to ascertain, I actually enjoy the freedom which my single life affords me and wouldn't want to give it up. But on a Sunday, I'm usually feeling a little depressed, insecure, emotional and generally in want of affection. And having a man available who falls neatly between the confines of casual and who I want to spend the rest of my life with is a very appealing prospect indeed.
I'm not looking for Mr. Right, I want Mr. 'In between'. Because he knows how to be more than casual. In that he'll take you to places other than the bedroom. He'll have intellectually stimulating conversation and the ability to make you laugh, as well as enjoying your humour too. He's assertive and in control of situations, particularly between the sheets - there's no room for faking it there.
But he also knows how to not let it stray into the realms of seriousness. He won't pester you to meet his friends or family, similarly he won't be interested in yours either. The relationship would be just about the two of you, not the other people who become inextricably linked to your life. There won't be a hint of him on any of your social networks because that would complicate matters and begin the never-ending game of who's that? He wouldn't accost you with a barrage of phone calls or text messages on a night out with the girls and you wouldn't bother him with his dalliances with the boys, because the bottom line is you don't have to care if he's with someone else. As long as you get to spend a few blissful hours together on a Sunday nothing else is of consequence.
It's a mutually satisfying relationship, lying partway between a casual fling and conventional exclusivity. Perfect.
Surely I'm not the only one on a quest for a boyfriend who I needn't concern myself with Monday through Saturday?